Bring back the Romans

Lately I’ve been thinking we should bring back the Romans. Our political system is having a lot of problems of late and we could do a lot worse. Since they were around no-one has managed to do a good job of empire. The Americans had their moment but they seem to be making a real mess of it nowadays.

The Romans got around - Roman foundations, Styria, Austria.

The Romans could build things – I’ve always had admiration for engineers. If they built a bridge or an aquaduct it stayed up. They also applied an even-handed approach to ruling an empire – everyone was oppressed and taxed. If you were a Roman citizen travelling the world you were protected. You weren’t locked up in Guantanamo Bay or the Ecuadorian Embassy for being a bit different.

If we compare it to contemporary times, there would be some bad aspects but how bad could they be? What would be different to now? We’d have a lot of imperial adventures in foreign countries. Check. There would be public spectacles of lions and circuses, with the odd sacrifice or public crucifixion. Check. At times a bit of decimation would be necessary to quiet the troubled ranks of the troops. Check. What could they complain about? There were still nine out of ten left – that’s a pretty good survival rate for mutiny. Nowadays politicians facing election would wish for such good numbers.

Politically the Senate wouldn’t be much different. The Emperor Caligula made his horse a Senator and we’ve done better than that. So, no change there. The Romans had narcissistic, cruel Emperors and we’d be fine with that. We’d enthusiastically recognise the kind of backroom cut and thrust of politics – Brutus assassinating Julius Caesar would be pretty familiar.

On the question of the Christians versus the lions, let me say I’ve always liked animals. The Romans were good at keeping religious minorities, like those irritating Christians, under control – before they got out of control and became religious majorities. It might have involved some mistreatment of lions – ‘no animals were harmed in the suppression of this religious minority’ ­– but I’m sure they saw it as a public service.

At least that was until they sold out and converted. After that they just applied their Roman efficiency to keeping non-Christians under control and stuffing up the Middle Ages – not to mention modern times.

We wouldn’t have too much trouble with the language. Just as flocks of giant birds are a sign that the dinosaurs are still amongst us, we all still speak Latin. Latin is embedded in many languages, including our own. Our biggest ethnic group – the Chinese – who speak a language that isn’t based on Latin, had quite a bit of historical contact with the Romans, so they’d probably find them familiar to deal with and Latin and Roman ways can’t be any more incomprehensible than English and our traditional customs.

No, on reflection it would be a good move. I think we should bring it on and the sooner the better. Now all we need to do is find some Romans and get the ball rolling.

See also

Holed up in the mountains 

‘In a time of pandemic, if you can't be on a small island off another island, then being holed up in the mountains might just be the next best thing. While there are some daily things I miss - coffee sitting down in cafes, a quite drink or meal out – in many ways life in lockdown is not all that different to how I lived before. Perhaps I need to take a closer look at what I really miss’, Holed up in the mountains.
 

Raiding the pantry 
‘A few weeks back I returned from a two and a half week regional road trip through Victoria to Adelaide and Kangaroo Island. When we left, people were being encouraged to visit fire-ravaged regional centres to help boost local economies. By the time we were on the way back everyone was being urged to stay home to help reduce the spread of pestilence. We had heard about hoarding and food shortages and we had seen the empty shelves, usually filled with toilet paper, everywhere we passed. As we headed home, I pondered exactly how long we could survive on what was already in our pantry – how many meals we were already sitting on as a result of routine shopping before that time of hoarding and excess,’ Raiding the pantry.

Noise-cancelling the modern world 
‘For Christmas this year I received a novel present – a pair of some of the best noise-cancelling headphones in existence. They are extremely effective. Given the state of the world, I am happy not to hear any of the noise it produces’, Noise-cancelling the modern world.

Australia - 7-day weather forecast
‘A distraction from the heat, fire, and smoke that have become the new normal in Australia, Internet memes track the ongoing failure of our mediocre political masters. After a Christmas of bushfires, everything is black, particularly the humour’, Australia - 7-day weather forecast.

Feast of Stephen revisited
‘As Christmas seems to be speeding towards us once again – with all the hope it holds out for the survival of the embattled retail sector, it got me thinking. In ‘Good King Wencelaus’, that carol from my distant childhood, there is an intriguing line, ‘good King Wencelaus looked out, on the Feast of Stephen’. I thought, what is this feast, which happens to bear my name? When exactly is it? Well…it is Boxing Day. Now I do realise it, I am determined to celebrate it in the style it deserves’, Feast of Stephen.

Adjusting to reality #1 – peaks, troughs and snouts
‘It seems government allows just enough time to forget what it has done before it begins to repeat it. It would be easy to go along with popular prejudice and believe that the private sector is more efficient than the public sector. Unfortunately both are efficient and also hopeless in their own way. At least we get to vote about the broad outline of what the public sector does – and laugh at it. With the private sector, all we get is to laugh at it. Or cry’, Adjusting to reality #1 – peaks, troughs and snouts.

Adjusting to reality #2 – modern times, modern crimes 
‘Modern times, modern crimes. The current dysfunctional world of Australian politics is beyond comprehension. It makes you wonder and probably drives you to drink. Unfortunately, unlike the far too many mediocre politicians, we’re not being chauffeur-driven there. It's beyond a joke, so a good way to talk about it is through the language of jokes. It's a world of short attention spans, media grabs and talking points, so I'm responding in kind’, Adjusting to Reality #2 – modern times, modern crimes.

Internet memes – swirling around the virtual universe
‘Internet memes seem to appear and disappear on the web, digital visitors swirling around the virtual universe. Where they come from or who created them is hard to tell. There are no secrets or possessions on the Internet. Seeing some of these memes got me thinking. I thought perhaps I could produce my own memes and have some fun. Perhaps it’s the new future for the arts – social media postcards – but with humour and creativity’, Internet memes – swirling around the virtual universe.

Wide brown landing‘Some days you realise suddenly that Canberra was deliberately located in the mountains. Perhaps it was fear of Russian invasion - imperial rather than communist. Perhaps it was to avoid overlap with the two warring imperial powers of the time - NSW and Victoria. Whatever the reason, Canberra sits well up on the top of Australia, on the long road up to the Snowy Mountains, where Australia finally reaches its peak. I've made two unsuccessful attempts to see the National Arboretum, finding the gates locked and no way in. Yesterday on a cold Canberra day I finally found it open, thanks to Canberra's annual festival of flowers, Floriade. I'd finally made a successful landing at the Arboretum. I was very impressed’, Wide brown landing.

Playing Gasworks Red 
‘Many decades ago in a land far, far away (well, Adelaide), I used to play basketball. We played against teams like Gasworks Red. Gasworks Red weren’t actually a basketball team. They were a football team keeping in shape in the off season by playing basketball. After Gasworks Red had bounced off you for an hour or so, you needed a drink. Then you needed another one. Then you needed to go home’, Playing Gasworks Red.

Cures for the common cold
'Even in the heart of the modern world, down in the deep streets of contemporary urban life, folk medicine is still strong. Have you noticed when you mention you have a cold, how everyone within listening distance starts to list off the various fool-proof remedies which are certain to cure you, or at the very least make you feel human again', Cures for the common cold.

Articles in the series ‘The island to the North’

The island to the North – the islands to the North East
‘The awkward relationship between Tasmania and the island to the North is not the only clumsy relationship between islands in this part of the world. The history of the ties between the island to the North and the islands of the Pacific is even more troubled’, The island to the North – the islands to the North East.

The island to the North – turning the map upside down
‘Our geography teacher would turn the map upside down to make the point that we were conditioned to see Asia above Australia, implying that gravity was a factor in human migration patterns and to illustrate the Australian fear of the Yellow Peril, ready to pour down from Asia and inundate the almost empty island to the South’, The island to the North – turning the map upside down.

The island to the North – disappearing worlds
'Islands are easily overlooked – Tasmania is an island that periodically disappears off maps, sometimes there, sometimes not, at the edge of consciousness, at the end of space.' The island to the North – disappearing worlds

The island to the North – a nearby foreign country
‘Sitting by a roaring fire in a wintry pub in Tarraleah I found Tasmanians liked to call Australia "the island to the North". We are neighbours but sometimes I wonder if I am behind enemy lines’, The island to the North – a nearby foreign country.